Anyone have any status dynamic (or other) ideas that you have found generally helpful in such (for me, very difficult) cases?
Monday, February 18, 2008
HOPELESS LOVE?
A problem that seems to get very little attention among clinicians, but which we have all seen, is that of the client whose relationship has ended but they can't get over it and move on. Maybe the relationship used to be good. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe the person got "hooked" on the other based on minimal flirtation or other encouragement. Whatever the particulars, now they are stuck, and often they are really suffering. They can't get over this person. They have reserved a place in their world for this person as their "one and only," and can't make that place available to anyone else.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
6 comments:
Pete said, "You fall in love with whom you can be how you want to be." That's quite an allure. In the absence of real world difficulties and dissatisfactions that arise in the context of a living, daily relationship, the absent love continues to pose quite a potential. But I suspect there is more.
I once needed an Image for a client in a very similar predicament, so I modified the Two Mayors to:
The Two Actors
Two ambitious young actors both auditioned for the lead in Hamlet. The director asked them: "If you don't get the lead, would you accept a small supporting role?"
The first actor replied: "No, sorry, for me it's Hamlet or nothing."
The second actor said: "Of course! Even if I can't be Hamlet, I'm still in Hamlet!"
People who can't let go of the "one and only" are like the second actor. They are still playing a part in the "great love of my life" dramaturgical pattern, even though it's not the part they really want, and it's better to still be in the play than to have no part at all.
This has two merits:
1. It makes explicit that this is about the client, not about the lost beloved. "It's not her you can't bear to lose; it's who you get to be that you hold onto, and for good reason -- better to be in Hamlet in a minor role than not in the play at all."
2. Like other Images, you can use it to continually reframe his moves as positive, status-affirming ways of staying in the play. And as we all know, once a person sees what they are doing as their choice, they are in a better position to choose differently.
Another case of not choosing less behavior potential over more.
Tony's image looks like a powerful one. I was thinking about a secondary image to pair with this. The image involves invoking the name of a famous leading role actor like Olivier or Kate Blanchett or whomever a client regards as a favorite and then portraying as accepting a bit part or even the role of stagehand. So can you imagine Olivier the stagehand or Blanchett the handmaiden? This would put the client in the role of the critic and hopefully provoke reactions such as "how could a great actor like Olivier just move the furniture" or"What a waste of a great talent it would be for Kate Blanchett to be Queen Elizabeth's handmaiden". I have a client struggling with this issue so I'll field test these images soon and let you know how things go.
Nice, Charlie. Looks to me like you are playing off the first actor -- "Hamlet or nothing" goes with "What a waste for Olivier to play the first watchman". Important to note that, just as with the 2 Mayors, each position in the 2 actors is legitimate -- but which you are makes a big difference.
Field-testing -- great!
Great love is a funny and sometimes tragic thing. Some people never get over it and for some people the mourning of lost love takes considerable time. Years. I think some of us never stop loving any of our “great loves” even if we are no longer in a reciprocal relationship. I don’t think the problem is essentially the expectation or need to ”get over it” but rather the problem of moving on. Can a person be open to loving another while still mourning a lost love? Maybe and maybe not. Can one make one’s heart available to open to another while still yearning for someone else? Again, maybe and maybe not. People might claim they have lost their one and only and then carry a torch as a demonstration of continued true love. Such action demonstrates the validity and integrity of the claim. But maybe they can accept the possibility of being open for another spark that might, in time, burn brightly. The fundamental issue is eligibility and availability. While in the state or while claiming the status of irrevocable attachment, the question remains whether the person can allow for new eligibility. As therapist , our job is to help them keep their eyes open while respecting the pain of their loss. I don’t think that providing an image does much more than to clarify the problem unless it also opens up new options by providing reminders. Think of what I am suggesting as along the lines of “living well is the best revenge”.
I can testify that it has worked very well to respect my love for the one I lost while remaining open to the possibility of a new love.
Post a Comment